I’m just not good at it

After 35 year of trial and error, I think I am pretty qualified to conclude that I am not good at one thing.

Friendships.

Maybe there is only 24 hours a day and I happen to have a job, 2 kids and a husband to tend to, hence no time to meet up and nurture the friendships.

Maybe I am fucked up and friends just left me for this reason.

Maybe I have had problematic friends who were as fucked up as me hence we just couldn’t stand each other.

I have always believed that it’s the 2nd reason why a couple of my friendships failed. I am not sure I have blogged about this before (I think I have, it’s on my mind all the time) so if you are seeing repeated stuff, just close the page.

When I was younger, I was quite an opinionated bitch. I always thought that my thinking is by default the best, the wisest, the most logical. I was also very jealous of friends who were popular among guys, and I would do things to make them feel not as good as they really deserved.

When a friend started a relationship with a guy whom I did not think highly of, I would start dissuading her to break up with him, I would tell her things like “he’s not going to give you happiness, you are capable of finding someone 100 times better!”. I guess she just couldn’t stand me anymore and stopped contacting me altogether.

Or when a friend got into a relationship with someone who’s rich, who loves her for who she is and not what she has gone through. I got really indignant coz I thought she did not deserve all this because of a 101 reasons I thought of. Things got out of hand thereafter and we stopped talking.

At that time I did not realize that a friend is supposed to support, not judge. I did not realize that it was their own life (owned by God really), not mine.

Ah the things I have done. I cannot imagine how consumed I was with myself in the past. It was all about me.

These happened maybe in my mid to late twenties. As I look back, I feel disgusted at myself. Maybe this is why I find it hard to befriend another now. I try to keep a safe distance with everyone. I don’t say a lot because I fear saying the wrong things, I would mask my anxiety with lame jokes and very general comments so I don’t appear as though I am telling them what to do.

It’s gotten so hard that I have sort of given up on friendships altogether. Save for the few longtime friends (less than 5 of them), I have stopped trying to be friendly to other people I am not super close to (it’s tiring and feels fake) and stopped trying to deepen any friendship (maybe friendships will naturally deepen if they click, right?). These few longtime friends – from different phases of my life (they don’t know one another in fact LOL) – are people whom I don’t meet up very much (mostly because I am not free to meet), but we stay in contact a lot via whatsapp and online chat. I would share with them whatever’s happening in my life, and I feel safe sharing with them.

They have no idea how thankful I am for them – they keep me believing that I am not that bad after all.

As how Admiral Lee Soon Shin put it in Gu Family Book:

“A man needs a friend to share goals with…

A woman to share his heart with…

A nation to serve with all his heart.

That’s the best life one can live.” 

To make it sound more applicable to women, here goes:

“A woman needs a friend to share dreams with…

A man to share her heart with…

A family to serve with all her heart.. / A nation to serve with all her heart (for the more ambitious and capable ladies out there!)

That’s best life a woman can live.”

I am truly sorry for the wrongs I have done in the past. But now, I am contented with the life God has blessed me with so much undeserved grace.

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